The Google Prophecies

Recent announcement from Google about the upcoming high-speed network being built in KCK became fodder for hordes of prognosticators. While some of the predictions may be pretty accurate, it’s clear that the development will generally follow a three-stage process:

Stage 1: Regional

  • All of the Kansas Suburbs voluntarily annex themselves to KCK, with Johnson County becoming South KCK and Douglas County renaming itself West KCK.
  • Capital of Kansas moves to downtown KCK.
  • The State of Missouri, unsuccessful in trying to merge with Kansas is rapidly vacated with everyone rushing to buy property in now expanded KCK. Property values skyrocket.
  • After failing to retain its citizens by abolishing and then reversing the ETAX to pay an extra 1% for working and living in the city, KCMO goes under and quickly deteriorates. Sprint center fills with rainwater and becomes an aquarium. The rest of the city is used as an urban paintball field.
  • A new airport is built in KCK to handle all the expected traffic.
  • Surrounding states are converted to agricultural use to support the growing population.

By the end of the 3rd quarter of 2012 Kansas City, KS will look like this (yes, that’s a new Eifel Tower/WIFI antenna).

© frenic

Stage 2: National

  • Missouri and Mississippi Rivers are deepened and widened to accommodate ocean-going cruise ships and barge traffic. The new route from NOLA to KCK is renamed Google Reardon Opportunity Canal (GROC).
  • East and West Coasts are abandoned and stand in ruins. Beach areas are maintained for the pleasure of KCK citizens.

  • Tired of slow connection speeds, White House and the US Capital are moved to KCK. KCK is renamed Kwashington, KS.
  • Newly built GooglePort – a hub of air, high-speed rail and maritime-river traffic now handles all the passenger and cargo traffic for the US. JFK and LAX are converted to cargo-only with surrounding areas used for warehouses.

Stage 3: Global

  • Every nation moves to Kwashington, except for France, which is therefore doomed to suffer with dial-up forever. Microsoft headquarters move to Paris, across the street from Apple and Facebook.
  • Mayor Reardon becomes the President of the World.
  • The World celebrates the New Year 2014 in Kwashington by dropping a ball in the shape of the Google Chrome symbol.