To those who already know me it comes as no surprise: I ain’t classy.
Today’s episode of me being “not classy” is brought to you by Twitter:

kcklo63:
@kcmeesha You’re making fun of law enforcement at a memorial ceremony? Really? You stay classy.

I guess I wasn’t supposed to post a photo of this gentleman getting ready for the police officers memorial ceremony in front of the KCMO police headquarters.

To quote Larry the Cable Guy: Lord, I apologize, but, on the other hand, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, how could I possibly pass this by? I don’t know what law enforcement function this gentleman performs, whether it’s a wide entrance blocking, extreme uniform testing, bear-wrestling or just plain intimidation of the smaller-sized criminals, I am sure he is great at what he does. I just hope he is not tasked with foot-chases, stair-climbing or long jumps.

To my credit, this photo was taken before the ceremony started. Still doesn’t make me classy although even if I could buy class I am too cheap to spend the money.

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For the most of my 16 years in this country I wanted to ride a train. There was always some excuse to prevent it from happening – it was too expensive, too long, I will have to rent a car, etc. With the gas prices where they are and with the air travel approaching the treatment and comforts of a cattle-car most of my excuses didn’t apply anymore. I took a plunge and purchased Amtrak tickets to Chicago. My overall impression – I should have done this years earlier. It was one of the most enjoyable, relaxing and fun trips I ever had.

The train leaves from the East Wing of the Union Station where there is a waiting room and a ticketing counter. There is no check-in, metal detectors, shoeless walk of shame, probing, pat-downs, luggage-opening and other activities otherwise associated with a correctional facility. A passenger walks in, luggage- in-hand and boards the train. That’s it.

The train has coach and sleeping cars, dining car, club/lounge car with a snack bar on the lower level. The seats in the coach car are huge, they recline and have a leg rest. The foot rest folds out from the seat in front but I had to slide down on the seat in order to reach it. There is a folding table in the front seat as well. On the way back the couch car had a power outlet for every seat. There is plenty of room on the overhead shelf and heavier luggage can be stored on the lower level of the car.

The main feature is a huge window with a view. Granted, Missouri, Iowa and Illinois are not the most picturesque states to travel through but it’s still fun looking out and trying to guess what are these people doing for living in remote locations surrounded by cornfields.

When tired of the views, reading and movies one can walk up to the club car where windows are even bigger and extend all the way to the top of the car. The seats ar oriented toward the windows, some are set up next to the table so people can talk or play games. Drinks and snacks are sold on the lower level.

The Southwest Chief train service connects LA with Chicago. From Kansas City it takes the shortest route to Illinois which is 430 miles long and is about 80 miles shorter than driving. On the way to Chicago the train was late by about 40 min. It was doing good for the rest of the trip until there was an announcement that we are waiting on some hazardous spill to be cleaned up. Then we waited for all the other trains to move on. We were late to Chicago by little less than 2 hours. I didn’t mind. Passengers who missed their connections were offered accommodations. On the way back the train was late by 12 minutes which I consider excellent.

The Union Station in Chicago is huge and alive, handling local and interstate traffic. Our station with only a few daily departures pales in comparison. Despite its size, the boarding in Chicago is just as painless. The Union Station is located in downtown Chicago, less than a mile from the Michigan Ave. The cab ride to the Grant Park area is $6-8.

One advantage of not driving was my ability to relax, read and take some pictures and videos. I was surprised by many people along the way photographing the train, it seems to be a huge hobby nowadays. We even passed a special train-watching platform with the sign “RailFan.Net“.

Here are a few videos that I made.

Leaving Ft. Madison, IA and crossing the Mississippi River.

This is somewhere in Illinois, I liked the wind farm all the way in the back.

Approaching Chicago.

Amtrak beat all my expectations and at this time I would recommend it to anyone who likes to relax when traveling and enjoy the view.

Major Update: I totally forgot to talk about pricing. Amtrak tickets to Chicago are about $50 one-way depending on how far in advance you are buying them. They also offer some discounts and specials. Additional coupon codes may be available elsewhere, I used 20% off code while paying for my tickets. Child fares are 50% off. The other important detail is that if you make reservations online you can just cancel them until you pick up your paper tickets at the station. Paper tickets are also refundable with a cancellation fee of 10%.

If you park your car at the Union Station covered parking the charge is $10/night.

It seems that Amtrak positioned themselves as anti-airline, with discounts, child fares, no hassle, no luggage charges and many other conveniences and comforts. The only disadvantage is travel time, but if there is no hurry, this is the way to go.

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This question was on my mind every time the light rail in Kansas City was discussed. While the light rail in Kansas City is pretty much a done deal, I don’t remember trolley buses ever being offered as one of the options. My interest was renewed after a recent trip to the West Coast where I was surprised to see perfectly working trolley bus systems in Seattle and San Francisco. As recently as last year, Seattle’s trolley bus network was evaluated and shown to be superior to an equal system using diesel hybrids.

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And God blessed them, and God said to them, Be fruitful, and multiply…
Genesis 1:28

Evolution is a great thing. In a world without evolution only beautiful people would be able to reproduce and the Earth would be populated with the clones of Fabio (or as someone admitted – John Edwards) and Julia Roberts. Enter an unfortunate  side-effect of the looks-based-reproduction, namely a gradual lowering of the worldwide average IQ. Here is where the evolution came up with an ingenious solution of supplying the below-average-looking fat males with small genitalia with a an amazing tool-set for seducing beautiful women of their dreams who otherwise wouldn’t even grant such males a second look.

My non-existent love life automatically makes me an expert perfectly qualified to write the following article. If you are a good-looking male, with a perfect body and an award-winning penis, this is how far you should read. I am pretty sure you are starting to get a headache from all the big words I’ve used so far. You’ve won in the genetic lottery and your existence assures that all of the mankind doesn’t look like me. Thanks for being there for us, go do a few crunches or something.

We can now continue without that one douche-bag who just left. Males of many species have different ways of attracting the most beautiful and unavailable females; from peacock’s tails to the giant deer antlers, the natural world is full of examples of males getting what they want when otherwise they wouldn’t have any chance. Just like our smaller brothers we have some things we can use to inject our ugly but smart DNA into the human gene pool. These do not require any special effort, like exercise or diet; you probably already have some or all of them as you read this.

1. A foreign accent. Contrary to popular belief, a foreign accent is not a handicap. In the love game it’s probably one of the best assets you can have. Accents drive women crazy and sometimes just after a few words she will do anything to hear more of your randomly swapped v’s and w’s or, even better, a whole word in your native tongue.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6QUFqiJx9k

Few words of warning on the accents: two similar accents cancel each other out. If you are both from Australia, all the talk about shrimps and barbies will not turn her on. On the contrary, the other person’s accent becomes annoying and embarrassing. Another note of caution: if your accent makes you sound like Larry The Cable Guy, you better have his kind of money to be able to seduce the woman of your dreams unless it’s Nancy Grace.

2. Learn to cook something from scratch. To impress a woman you don’t need to be a Wolfgang Puck, you just need to be able to cook something she’ll like preferably without using any recipes you got from watching Semi-Homemade Cooking show on the Food Network. Whether it’s a steak, a hamburger, fried chicken or borscht, it’s the process and your skill that will fascinate her, so Shake’n’Bake wouldn’t do the trick. Cooking may also include baking or cocktail making. Anything that only you know how to make will get you closer to the target.  However, don’t go too wild unless you know who you are dealing with; she may not appreciate your Coq Au Vin but may be pleasantly surprised with Chicken and Dumplings.

3. Get a pet, and by a pet I mean a cat. Dog will not allow you to leave for those romantic long weekends and will interfere with you enjoying your morning together. Other pets may be scary, disgusting, annoying or smelly. On the other hand, virtually every woman loves a cat, and will come back to your house repeatedly just to scratch your cat behind the ear. Placing a cat photo such as this anywhere in your dating profile pretty much guarantees you a constant stream of “icebreakers”.

4. Poetry. That’s right, a poem will make your woman’s heart melt. You don’t need to be Walt Whitman, start with something simple and romantic like:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I am here naked.
Where the hell are you?

If you want to impress her even more, haiku is the way to go. I am at a disadvantage in this department since I can’t count syllables, but it doesn’t prevent me from faking it. Just make sure you always have three lines:

Writing haiku is hard,
but I try
for the hell of it.

5. Get some title or an achievement, for example you can become the Best Blogger ever or get a PhD in some obscure subject. Published works, books, photos in the local newspaper, sex tape, whatever it takes to pique her interest.

6. Impress her with your knowledge. Be careful not to bore her with a discussion on pros and cons of various Linux distributions, comic heroes and their superpowers, or some special maneuver you use to beat a game on X Box. Instead you can impress her by knowing the capital of New Hampshire, or pointing out the difference between a crocodile and an alligator.

To summarize, if you are short in all the wrong places, fat and ugly, not all is lost. Just use your accent, skills and pets to seduce the woman of your dreams and remember: it’s survival of the fittest, not necessarily better-looking.

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My parents always chided me for hunching and looking down, but, it turns out, I always knew what I was doing. For the non-filthy report on FiestaKC check out Happy In Bag.

And now we dance:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fp-ATy9tkrg

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