Every child in Johnson County, KS knows that bus is bad. Our relationship with the bus service ends on the first day we are able to get a driver’s license and our fine-leather-clad feet never step through a bus door again. From there on, our asses are firmly planted in the leather seats of overpriced imported cars which are mandatory in Johnson County. Once in a while we see a bus on a street or a highway and we give its invisible passengers the same look a person gives to a plumber who is about to go elbow-deep into a full toilet bowl. We distrust party buses, avoid shuttles, shun trolleys and only begrudgingly use charter buses but only when no one we know can see us.
All that said, why are we investing over $50 million into improving the bus service?
Citizen journalism in this town is celebrating a huge victory and I am here to take all the credit. My recent ground-breaking report on a possible contender for the biggest pothole in the State of Missouri sent seismic waves through the City Hall and the solution came swiftly – a bigger barrier.
Parts of the previous orange obstacle that weren’t swallowed by the pothole were recycled…
…and replaced with the state-of-the-art early warning system.
City geologists used the circular cracks around the barrier to size up a new commemorative steel plate which will be placed over the pothole in the near future.
The City Council ordered the City Attorney to draft a letter to BP demanding reimbursement for the repairs (mostly for the barricade) since the appearance of the pothole is directly related to the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.
On behalf of myself and many residents of the nearby property tax-free building I’d like to thank the City for paying attention and quick decisive action.
This year marks the 60th anniversary of the Great Flood of 1951 which was the “most devastating of all modern floods for Kansas City since its levee system was not built to withstand it”. Six weeks after the flood the Life Magazine article described the cleanup and reconstruction efforts ahead of the President Truman’s visit to the area.
When I was growing up®, everyone knew a poem that started with:
Day of 7th of November
Is Red Day in your calendár
or something like that.
People who read this blog for a while are well-versed in the holidays that were celebrated in the USSR and the 93rd Anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution is not an exception. A whole generation has grown up without seeing a real parade on the Red Square in Moscow but the 7th of November is still remembered by many people around the world and celebrated at a least one suburban dwelling in the Kansas City Metro.
Recently your generosity helped finance some worthwhile and other projects. Your giving hearts and open wallets gave a much-needed hand-up to several budding entrepreneurs so they can continue to make this city better, funner, more exciting place to live.
This is why I find it appropriate to ask you once again for a small donation. I am not asking for myself, I am asking for all of us. We all know that Kansas City is one pig truck away from the big leagues.
With the pig truck cruising our streets and highways we will finally join the ranks of trend-setting metropolises such as Seattle, Los Angeles, Chicago and, dare I say it, Omaha. With the pig truck of our own, you will finally be able to proudly say: “I am from Kansas City” without having to listen to the laundry list of the things we don’t have from Trader Joe’s to the In-N-Out.
Isn’t pride worth just a few of your dollars? How much do you love your city? Donating money to the pig truck fund is like stuffing dollar bills into a stripper’s thong so she can graduate from the law school and finally take her rightful place in the society – doing the same thing but with the clothes on.
But wait, there is more. Unlike some other cities where a similar pig truck may exist, the Kansas City version will not be serving food. I will be just driving it around town. This will make it the first ever ironic food truck, leaving the other cities in the junk pile of backwardness and unhipness.
Here is how this is going to work: every donation will be rewarded.
Less than $10 – you will be allowed to wash the truck on the first-come-first-served basis.
$10-$50 – unlimited photos in front of the truck for you and your friends. (photos not included)
$50-$100 – you will be allowed to climb on/in the snout area and take a photo. (photos and liability not included)
$100-$1,000 – one ride to/from work limited to 25 miles for you and 5 of your friends and family members. 2 honks oinks will be allowed during the ride at the time of your choosing.
$1,000-$10,000 – one 50-mile round-trip to the location of your choice, pictures, truck-wash and unlimited use of the honk oink.
$50,000 – you will be given full use of the vehicle for one (1) night with no driving privileges. You will receive “We Did It Piggy-Style” framed certificate upon emerging from the truck. Your future child will appreciate an autographed framed photo of you in front of the truck with the caption “You were conceived in a pig”. (condoms, STD treatments and liability not included. Maximum 3 persons.)
Other prized can be arranged.
Only your generosity can save the future and the prestige of this city. Your dollars will propel us ahead of all the places who now have the audacity to look down on us.
Send your donations:
c/o #kcpigmobile to the email address on this site.
