Kansas City,

Recently your generosity helped finance some worthwhile and other projects. Your giving hearts and open wallets gave a much-needed hand-up to several budding entrepreneurs so they can continue to make this city better, funner, more exciting place to live.

This is why I find it appropriate to ask you once again for a small donation. I am not asking for myself, I am asking for all of us. We all know that Kansas City is one pig truck away from the big leagues.

With the pig truck cruising our streets and highways we will finally join the ranks of trend-setting metropolises such as Seattle, Los Angeles, Chicago and, dare I say it, Omaha.  With the pig truck of our own, you will finally be able to proudly say: “I am from Kansas City” without having to listen to the laundry list of the things we don’t have from Trader Joe’s to the In-N-Out.

Isn’t pride worth just a few of your dollars? How much do you love your city? Donating money to the pig truck fund is like stuffing dollar bills into a stripper’s thong so she can graduate from the law school and finally take her rightful place in the society – doing the same thing but with the clothes on.

But wait, there is more. Unlike some other cities where a similar pig truck may exist, the Kansas City version will not be serving food. I will be just driving it around town. This will make it the first ever ironic food truck, leaving the other cities in the junk pile of backwardness and unhipness.

Here is how this is going to work: every donation will be rewarded.

• Less than $10 – you will be allowed to wash the truck on the first-come-first-served basis.
• $10-$50 – unlimited photos in front of the truck for you and your friends. (photos not included)
• $50-$100 – you will be allowed to climb on/in the snout area and take a photo. (photos and liability not included)
• $100-$1,000 – one ride to/from work limited to 25 miles for you and 5 of your friends and family members. 2 honks oinks will be allowed during the ride at the time of your choosing.
• $1,000-$10,000 – one 50-mile round-trip to the location of your choice, pictures, truck-wash and unlimited use of the honk oink.
• $50,000 – you will be given full use of the vehicle for one (1) night with no driving privileges. You will receive “We Did It Piggy-Style” framed certificate upon emerging from the truck. Your future child will appreciate an autographed framed photo of you in front of the truck with the caption “You were conceived in a pig”. (condoms, STD treatments and liability not included. Maximum 3 persons.)
• Other prized can be arranged.

Only your generosity can save the future and the prestige of this city. Your dollars will propel us ahead of all the places who now have the audacity to look down on us.

Send your donations:

c/o #kcpigmobile to the email address on this site.

Don’t let the pigtail of progress wave in your face.