Why I will die alone…

During almost four years I had this here blog it covered many important (to me) topics, but the ones I seem to come back to the most are the 3 D’s – Death, Dumb-Asses and Dating. Well, maybe not just these three but a good alliteration is hard to beat.

Although it’s been a very long time since I had a date, I still like to browse dating sites to waste all this time on my hands. I noticed that over time I developed a certain technique that quickly eliminates 99% of the personal ads from women I want nothing to do with. The remaining 1% probably wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Today, as a public service, I will share this special technique absolutely free. Notice that these are my personal criteria, you may have to slightly adjust it to fit your own cheerful personality.

Disclaimer: all of the examples in this post are 100% real and not edited in any way including capital letters.

I can rationally explain why I dislike some of these categories, the other ones are just instinctive. They may have to do with the way I interpret the language; things that annoy me; or, most likely, the character traits I infer from the short words women chose to represent themselves to the date-seeking male audience. By the way, I have no idea what handles are used on the male side of these sites, probably just as interpretive.

With this introduction I will cover several broad categories of nicknames I don’t bother to click on.

  • Nicknames with any hint of sports, teams or fitness levels. We have nothing in common.

mnightfootball, kstatechica78, vballchic70, kstatefan78, ksu0909, SportsGirl39, iowahawkeyegirl, jhawkgirl, sportygal10, hoopsfan, jayhawks1969, mk_jayhawk, kksportslady, op_jayhawk, Fit_and_Fun.

  • Nicknames with variations of the word “mama”. Those are the women who write things like “my full-time job is raising the kids”. Yeah, me too.

Momzee, sweetmama4805, 1happymomma , mommakins, awesomemommy1, momluvs2laugh.

  • Religious nicknames.

goddessgood, Praisehim33, GodSent99, dogooder, Kind_Hearted_One .

  • Nicknames with words sassy, princess, chic, chick and diva. I don’t exactly know what “sassy” means, and, for some reason, I am not curious enough to find out.

Tbutterflydiva, prncssmiss, Sassy1babe, SassyNSweetOne, sassycassie123, sassychic22, SweetSassyShawnee, SIMPLYSASSY1, sassy_1980, divalikeme, grafikchick, knickiechickie .

  • Nicknames implying pet ownership.

pawsitively, mustlovedogs85A2, BlackCat8, ilovehuskies .

  • Nicknames stating body types and various degrees of sexiness.

sexymary4luv, phatgirlzrule, youngnbeautiful, KCcutie30, Sxyhotbetty, SexyCoco77, ltlredone, singleqt39, KCBarbiedoll.

  • Nicknames the hint at previous relationships.

2bsy4drama, opentofunagain, struckout, thenewme1234, upbeat1971, fun4now76, yippee74,  lookingforlurve37, funandfree1013, letssee8, 123nodrama.

  • Nicknames stating woman’s love to laugh or have fun. Those are the worst.

Always_Giggly, lovetolaugh15, luvs2laugh73, smilinghfen, smilez75, smileyblueeyes74, happy3040, havenfunin06, livelaughdream26.

  • Nicknames with hints of weirdness.

AtypicalB-girl, moodycancer79, moon_kissed, LoveChocolate40, funchic 1, nutz4water,morningdew-inOP, msmaverick, bastilebaby, gregariousone4u, psychnurse4u, TruelyaLady, jeepgirljen.

Here I have to give special props for the best porn nickname: Dazie_chane, the best abbreviation really14u2c and the best overall creative nickname turdbirdtaco.

Now we move on the the profile headlines, not all sites have those. They pretty much split in the same categories, like women who are better off buying tickets to a comedy show:

  • Looking for someone who makes me laugh!
  • Looking for Laughter
  • Looking for a kind, funny man
  • Looking to laugh a lot…
  • Must have sense of humor
  • Looking for someone to laugh with
  • Looking for sense of humor
  • Want to share some laughs?
  • just for giggles, I guess
  • Love to Laugh

Or women bitter at their previous dating experiences:

  • No Drama Kings Please:)
  • Is anyone real
  • Are there any gentlemen left?
  • Starting Over – How cliche is that?!
  • Ready to have some stability
  • Back in the saddle again…
  • Looking For A Man Of Value
  • looking for a man of integrity 🙂
  • I want someone honest, who not ply games
  • I’m not a booty call… 
  • Honesty and Humor a MUST
  • LIVE.LAUGH.LOVE. but no freaks

Speaking of the last one, what’t up with “Live, Laugh, Love”? I hope whoever came up with this idiotic motto is getting a nickel when someone uses it on a dating site, this person would be rolling in money.

  • live, love, laugh, NOW
  • Life is too short…Live ,Laugh and Love 🙂

Fitness again:

  • Looking for a Fun, Athletic Man
  • Sports minded lady seeks companion

More sass:

  • SweetandSassy……

And pets:

  • must love animals

Bad music lovers:

  • Do you like pina colada’s?

Minnie Pearl:

  • howdy!


  • Hoping God Will Lead the Way

Not sure:

  • Ill be your huckleberry
  • Queen of Sarcasm!!

I know it’s hard to sit down in front of the computer and put yourself out so random jackasses can make fun of your nicknames.

I know the reason I’ll die alone is not because your dating profiles scare me but because I wrote this. But what can I do?

I am just canthelpmyself29.