…I’d taser in the morning,
I’d taser in the evening,
All over this land.
I’d taser out stupid,
Obnoxious and annoying,
Who make about 90 percent of people
All over this land.
I used to write posts titled “This Grinds My Gear-skiy” about things that annoy me. Lately I am finding that Twitter is a much more responsive medium to air one’s real and imaginary complaints. And I have plenty of both. Many times I feel that if I only had a taser I could easily cure some of these things, but until they are legally available to the law-abiding citizens, I am writing down my gripes here, so I don’t forget.
- Parents who name their kids “Pashience”. This should be considered a crime. Pashience will either develop an unlimited patience while spelling here name every time she is on the phone, or become a serial killer. I am rooting for the latter.
- People who ask “Is it Friday yet?” in the elevator on Monday morning. Do I look like a damn calendar? I get it, you like weekends, but I already regret having to work with jackasses like you and you are not making me feel any better about it.
- While we are at it, how about people who say “it’s my Friday” on any day that’s not a Friday. I know you are off tomorrow, but I am not pointing out that your Monday is on my Sunday and I’ll be in bed while you’ll be schlepping to work on everyone else’s day off.
- People who slow down the passing lane on the highway. These people have their own place on the axis of evil. I know you are planing to take a left turn in Albuquerque, but you are still 800 miles away, get the hell out of the left lane.
- People who cause a “sunshine slowdown” during rush hour. 90% of the people on the highway are driving on it at the same time, day after day, year after year so I never understand why they feel it’s necessary to stop and commence to study sunspots. Put on a pair of sunglasses and keep moving, you are not a damn astronomer.
- Extreme couponers. Even my spell-check hates this word. Extreme couponing is a gateway to hoarding; you can slowly progress through the whole reality show line-up: from Extreme Couponing to Hoarders to Intervention. I hope I will never have to see one of those morons at a grocery store checkout in front of me.
- People with stick figures of their family members on the backs of their cars. If you need a checklist to see if your whole family is in the vehicle maybe you should not be allowed to drive.
- News reporters who report live in front of an empty building afer the office hours. Isn’t there a stock photo of the City Hall you could use? The Daily Show correspondents broadcast from all over the world without ever leaving the studio. Some of your viewers are not yet brain-dead.
- People who created the slogan “The more you know, the more you Kohl’s”. What does it even mean? I hope they Kohl’s their jobs over this. Together with their colleagues who came up with “When you Orbitz you know“.
- People who repost facebook status spam, especially the kind that includes the words “I know not everyone will repost this”. Remind me, why are we friends again?
- People who pretend that intelligent design is a real science. Unless your kid is enrolled in Hogwarts there is no reason to learn about magic.
- People who use speakerphones because they are too lazy to hold a handset. There probably will never be a stage in your career when you will have an office with a real door, but you can always dream. In the meantime, get off the damn speakerphone.
- People who bring babies to school events. I am already miserable having to listen to your untalented kid playing tuba; the last thing I want to hear is his crying baby sister. This group is going straight to hell.
- There is so much wrong with this bottle of juice, from the invitation to “track your family’s heart health” on a random manufacturer’s website, to mentioning only two ingredients of a 4-juice blend in its name,to the little blurb “straight from the farm”. I wonder which farm planted the “Red 40 (color)” this year and how are the crops doing during the drought.
- Lastly, the words “bettah buttah” and “kitteh” and the rest of -ah and -eh words should never be written or uttered. Every time you do this, a cute animal somewhere is being kicked. Just don’t.
In conclusion, please watch my favorite video clip.