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On 10/21/07 this country celebrated 15 years since I joined with the “tired, … poor,
…huddled masses yearning to breathe free” when I first set foot at the Kansas City International Airport. I had a long journey in front of me, full of discoveries, surprises and even more surprises. I watched, I listened and learned about this country, people who live here and “The American dream”.
Over the years I learned that many things are not what they appeared to be from behind the iron curtain. As an old American saying goes: grass is always greener on the other side of the iron curtain. For example, Kansas City International Airport is not so much “international” and Yakov Smirnoff is not really a “dynamite Russian comedian”.
Being a foreigner (albeit an American Citizen for the past 10 years) automatically makes me an expert on all things American.
I don’t vote, and that gives me the right to bitch about the morons who elected current president, and all the other elected officials from senator down to mayor,as well as the morons who will elect the next batch of representatives. The only acceptable vote for the past 15 years would have been “none of the above” and I consistently voted that way by just sitting on my ass on election day.
English is my second language and that gives me the right to make up my own words and rules of grammar, as well as substitute any words I don’t know with a four-letter word of my choosing, and I am an expert in that area. I don’t want to hear any complaints about my English skills. I am a better speller than 99% of native speakers.
Over the years I was surprised to discover that unbelievable amounts of bullshit are being dumped on average American citizen on daily basis. Bullshit totally covers this country, clogs up hearts and minds of it’s citizens, controls policy matters, elections, education, medical care and love life. It takes a foreigner with a steady hand and a special shovel to uncover the truth from underneath the layers of bullshit lovingly piled on the average American. So here I am…. and I am ready.

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Best Blogger

Kansas City With the Russian Accent

Kansas City With the Russian Accent, at kcmeesha.com, is the Web journal of a Russian Jewish expatriate who came to Kansas City in 1992. Meesha V. outwrites half the local native-English-speaking bloggers and outcharms most of the others with an original voice and smart, funny asides and observations that could occur only to a cultural latecomer. It doesn’t hurt that the anonymous author kicked off the first entry with jokes about the Iron Curtain and a repudiation of deeply unfunny Russian comic Yakov Smirnoff. Documenting life in Kansas City, Meesha also tells some pretty harrowing stories about growing up during the Soviet era, including the anxiety and fear he confronted during his mandatory induction into the Russian army at age 18, waiting to find out if he’d be stationed near his home or sent to Afghanistan. With one foot in the metro and one in Rossiyskaya Federatsiya, Kcmeesha.com is Kansas City’s best blog this year.

Wow! I am at a loss of words (it’s not that hard for me). I didn’t know that I was even being considered. I am not going to deny that this was a pleasant surprise. I don’t really think I am the best; it’s just that while much better bloggers switched to twittering one-liners I am still here typing away, mostly because I am too cheap to pay for the internet for my phone. I would like to thank many people who read this blog and especially the ones who collectively left over 1,700 comments over the past year. I know it’s not that many and The Readers’ Choice Best Blogger TKC (Congratulations, Tony!) gets that many in a day, but I appreciate every one of you who took the time to comment, participate in a poll or a caption contest, thanks for not being anonymous. I would like especially to thank XO because this site is more or less an extension of my comments on his blog almost a year ago. Many other bloggers who are linked here and even more in my Reader serve as the daily inspiration and also as my imaginary friends. Meeting and corresponding with many of you over the past year made worthwhile all the time that I spend in front of my laptop, 10 lbs of gained weight and no personal life.

This honor just goes to prove that the American Dream is still there for anyone who wants it, it just changed a little. Yes, I got here dreaming about owning a mansion, nice cars, maybe a yacht with a beach house and a small private plane; I got none of these things, and yet I can’t complain: having all this would have made me just another one of many rich people with awesome, care-free, amazing lives full of leisure, travel and entertainment. Instead, I am one of a few, but few of the best.

Thanks!

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Fellow Citizens (and Permanent Residents) of Kansas City and beyond!

Time has come to stand up against over-saturation of our visual space with penises, breasts and other dirty, dirty genitals. Everywhere we look, everywhere we turn, we cannot avoid being confronted with genitalia and/or breasts. Some may call it art, but we know better – it’s pornography, a mere glimpse of which leads to lust, perversion and, dare I say, fornication.

Accidental breast and penis sightings ruin our children. We all know who else loved art in all of its nakedness – people like Hitler, Charles Manson, and, I assume, Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy. One day little Hitler was looking at some shameful works of art and the next thing anyone knew….well, we all know what happened next. On the other hand, George W. Bush didn’t like art, especially the obscene kind, and he grew up to be an American President.

It’s for the well-being of the children that I call upon you to join the new organization – DOur United Citizens Hoping to Eradicate Breast And Genitalia in Sculpture. Let’s prevent the next tyrant or a murdering cannibal from growing up in our communities. Let’s raise our children to be American Presidents like George W. Bush.

Of course, we denounce any censorship, this is not Soviet Russia after all. Everyone is free to express their opinion and artistry on public property as long as it doesn’t harm the children* and/or biblical in nature. You might have heard of a whorish sculpture which every one of our children is forced to walk by on their way to and from school. Thousands of them come home in tears,embarrassed, shocked and even (god forbid) aroused! They want to know why the photos sent to them by their classmates feature a lot smaller breasts. They want to ask questions like where they can see more art like this. They spend a long time alone in their rooms and hide things hastily (probably art) when we come in unannounced.

DOur United Citizens Hoping to Eradicate Breast And Genitalia in Sculpture are here to save your children. When the offending sculpture will be finally removed from our sights and melted into something they could sell at Crate and Barrel (or at least ammo), we will all as one call on the Kansas City Administration to

Remove An Offensive Penis From Its City Hall.

Yes, your children wandering around the City Hall are confronted with a penis and it hurts them now and for the rest of their lives.

Fellow Citizens (and Permanent Residents) of Kansas City and beyond! DOur United Citizens Hoping to Eradicate Breast And Genitalia in Sculpture have a lot of work ahead of us. This Metro Area is literally stuffed with thousands of penises and boobs.

We need to move fast before it’s too late and we have another Hitler on our hands.

Email all the (sculptural) penis and boob sightings to douchebags@gmail.com

*Everything hurts the children.

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The following photos were taken in 1945 in Josephsville, MO. Narrated by some old guy.

In my day we didn’t have the Easter Egg Hunt, we had to hunt for eggs every day, because we were hungry, that’s why.

In my day there was no entertainment, we had to quilt all day long and listen to Eunice’s old jokes every day; that damn Eunice, I get a heartburn just thinking about her.

In my day kids didn’t sit around and watch TV, they had to haul firewood long distance uphill both ways, and only rich people could afford wheels.

In my day we didn’t go fishing for fun and we didn’t have us no fancy boats; we had to go catch us some dinner.

In my day we had to churn our own butter, and churn and churn and churn; damn kids get off my lawn!

In my day we only got to keep the back side of a cow, we had to sell the front half to the government.

In my day we couldn’t afford the rubber tires, you were lucky to get round wheels on your tractor. Have you ever tried tractoring with square wheels? I thought so!

In my day you’d already get yourself a whipping if you sat around and read all this stuff for this long. Damn whippersnappers!

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