When I was a kid we didn’t have Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa (the latter is due to the lack of African-Ukrainians). We had New Year, with Ded Moroz and Snegurochka, “New Year’s” Tree, presents, and obligatory toast at midnight. New Year was the only Soviet holiday that wasn’t associated with any communist or revolution bullshit.
People dressed up, even at home, the table was covered with hard-to-find delicacies and drinks. Then my Mom made me take out the trash one last time, which involved going 3 floors (81 steps) down to the cold and dark yard. Then everyone waited.
Few minutes before midnight the General Secretary of the Communist Part of the USSR would congratulate the Soviet People with another giant leap toward communism made in a previous year and wish them to make even more giant step next year.This is what it looked like in 1971. I only expect a few readers to recognize who this is, Leonid Illyich Brezhnev died before some of you were born. I know it’s in Russian but I am sure you’ll recognize every other word being “socialism” or “communism”. Brezhnev loved himself a long speech. He could go on for hours but he knew that vodka and champagne are getting warm and people restless. But there was no escape: all three channels had the speech on. Soviet people had to be congratulated whether the wanted it or not.

When the General Secretary finally shut up, the Kremlin Kuranty rung midnight, the universal signal to start the festivities. That’s when we toasted New Year, my Dad would go outside and leave a bag of presents right behind the door, I don’t think we even wrapped them. We usually didn’t stay up for too long. I am still not a night person. I still like New Year better than all the other holidays combined. Nobody is born, no miracles of burning oil, just a clock of life ticking along, all the bad things are behind you and a brand new, bright and shiny year is ahead.

This year I will be celebrating in St.Louis with a bunch of other Russians, old style. Even three months of Christmas music every year can’t make us forget who we are.
I wish you all a Happy New Year, I hope that you will prosper, win a lottery, don’t get sick and have fun.
P.S. To all the beautiful women who want to date me next year: I will be appearing here starting January 2 so you know where to find me.

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Yep it’s a gym!

“Straight Talk Express” has left the city.

His name is not “The man upstairs”, his name is Jesus

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If you are still using pathetic-looking jalapeños like these, do yourself a favor and pitch them or at least give them to someone you don’t like. Do not donate them to Harvesters – poor people have dignity too. Instead spend two bucks and 15 minutes to pickle your own delicious crunchy jalapeños. The recipe I am using is in Russian and translated version reads like gibberish, so with the credit to original creator of this recipe I will translate it and use my own pictures.

1. Buy 10-20 nice-looking jalapeños. I usually pick the mixed colored ones, they just look good.

2. Slice thinly the jalapeños, some shallots or onions and 5 cloves of garlic.

3. In the meantime heat up two cups of white vinegar (5%) with 2 tablespoons of salt, two tablespoons of sugar, less than a teaspoon of oregano ( I don’t put too much at all) and few bay leaves. When sugar and salt dissolve turn the heat off and let cool.

4. Place your jalapeños, onions and garlic in a container.

5. Pour cooled liquid over the peppers.

6. Cover the container and place in the refrigerator for 24 hours until vinegary smell dissipates. Because the seeds were left in, these peppers may only get hotter with time.

Disclaimer:This recipe was safely tested on my co-workers. I cannot be held responsible for the damage to your internal organs.

Warning: During the preparation of this recipe resist the urge to rub your eyes and any other sensitive parts of your body. Wash your hands before touching yourself. Women and girly-men are allowed to wear gloves.

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As much as hate and avoid various meet-ups, tweet-ups, social events, flash-mobs, actions with noble goals and everything that comes with it, it’s totally different when I do it.

Instead of participating in anything, just stop by and have a donut at the John’s Space Age Donuts in Overland Park this Wednesday from 8 to 10 (or whatever time works for you).

This Wednesday, May 19th, wasn’t picked at random. It’s the Soviet Pioneer Day. On this day a certain chain opens another location just down the the street, so an old donut shop which has been around since 1967 can use a few more customers. John’s Space Age Donuts are better anyway and I am buying the first dozen.

Besides free donuts (if you are fast), there may be local celebrity sightings, and you will enjoy not being part of the herd stampeding to fill up on the mediocre East Coast pastries.

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