Stores should pay me to shop…

If I could, I’d buy everything online. I am already making steps in that direction: I bank, rent DVD’s, buy things and meet women (OK 1(one) woman) online. I even bought shoes online before, which is really taking chances. Even if I can’t buy something I want online I will research it, read Consumer Reports (I have online subscription), comparison shop, search for coupons and then, in a surgical strike I am in and out of the store in 10 minutes dodging the attacks of annoying salespeople. The only store I enjoy going to is Costco where no one bothers to ask me if I am finding everything I want.
When I am in the store I like to take some time picking the merchandise, after all if I didn’t want to see it I could’ve bought it online. Here I have an unusual ability to attract crowds to the item I am looking at whether it’s a can of tomatoes or a pack of condoms (especially condoms). Even if the aisle was not touched by a shopping cart and still has a virgin dust from two days ago, as soon as I will stop to look at something, all the shoppers currently in store will drop whatever they are doing and rush to crowd around me, trying to reach the shelf from behind me, sneak in front of me or if not possible just stand there and give me impatient looks. What is 80-year old woman doing in the condom aisle- I don’t know, all I know she didn’t have any urge to look at prophylactics before I showed up. And why does a 10-year old have to look at pot roasts when he should be checking out ice cream, I have no idea, maybe he saw me and decided to become a butcher. Even if I am at Wal Mart after midnight and there is only one other customer in the whole store we would be stuck in the same aisle.
I am still trying to find out how to capitalize on my special talent. It has to be something along the lines of me aimlessly wandering around the store, stopping near the items that don’t sell very good and then collecting huge commissions. Commercials be damned, I can turn any product into a hot item of the day just by standing near it and periodically picking it up to take a closer look.
I will be accepting job offers after this is posted.