Cruiser’s Guide To Key West

Key West is an island infested with drunks, roosters…

…and weathered old women held down by disproportional chests and lifetimes of bad decisions.

Everyone knows you have to do two things in Key West – eat at Sloppy Joe’s and visit the Hemingway’s museum. I am here to tell you – feel free to skip both. Sloppy Joe’s is not horribly bad, maybe a 3 on a scale where White Castle is a 0, but it’s not by any means worth a stop while all the free (and much better) food is waiting for you back on the ship.

Hemingway’s Home with its mutant cats charges $13 to get in and since you have only a short time on shore and probably not a fan of Hemingway anyway, just keep on walking. It’s like I just gifted you thirteen dollars. You are welcome.

The first rule of being on Key West is not to buy any Key West t-shirts.

This will help you obey the cardinal rule of all travel – no matching shirts unless you are under 12 years old. No exception. God forbid, this could have been you:

Another Key West landmark is a painted piece of concrete incorrectly identifying the southernmost point of the continental United States.

Here is a picture of some random schmucks in front of it, so you don’t have to stand in line.

Like larger groups with hand signing? Here you go:

If you don’t like walking you can obtain pretty much any mode of transportation, from bicycles…

… to scooters which will be fearlessly rented to you even if you never used one before.

Tropical life can be boring sometimes…

…take away the palm trees, sun and 80 degree weather, and it could be any place in US.

Trees need to be trimmed…

…dogs need to be walked…

…gates need to be guarded…

…waves need to be surfed…

…beer needs to be sold…

…customers need to be shuttled to the actual model Sophia (for free!)…

…menu is short but diverse:

Local wall art:

Miss Key West Closetball Pageant:

Cuba is near:

Exotic Night Club? Impeach Obama? You choose:

Check out pre-owned Rolex’s – someone’s financial crisis is your gain:

Key West has the largest amount of wood sculptures per square mile:

Outside of a few points of interest, numerous drinking establishments and endless souvenir shops, the life in Key West is more or less like this – getting tanned, staring at the ocean. Pretty good life if you ask me.