Body Issues

I was renewing my driver’s license today and for the first time had them list me as an organ donor. Not that I didn’t want to share my organs before; I just didn’t want the recipient of said organs chasing my kid with some Oprah-worthy tear-jerker of a story about how he got a second chance in life with my lightly used liver. But today I thought – what the hell, have at it. My kid will probably punch you in my former liver if you try to approach her all emotional and teary-eyed.

While I think it’s cool to be an organ donor, I am disappointed that the DMV did not give me an option to make certain directives concerning possible receivers of my organs. I don’t care who gets my heart, lungs and entrails but now that the head transplants are in the picture, I have some reservations about who is allowed to get my head stapled to their neck. It better not be another shapeless, overweight body with manboobs and no trace of any muscle. If that happens, as soon I can control my hands, I’ll have to stab myself to death all over again. I am not leaving this golden opportunity to chance.

With that in mind, this is a list of acceptable bodies for my head:

  • Pre-AIDS John Holmes. Just once I’d like to experience this brain-draining erection, even it makes me pass out. Right now so little blood drains from my brain during sex, that I spend my time thinking if there’s any yogurt left in the fridge. And I don’t even like yogurt that much. To this match my head will bring the promise of no porn mustache and better decision-making, like not getting AIDS.

John Holmes

  • 1980’s Sylvester Stallone. I could use the muscled and tanned look, maybe some manly scars and an ability to kill the enemy with my bare hands. I would have to get a concealed carry permit just for when I wear long sleeves. My head would bring to the table a normal non-constipated voice and an ability to talk without curling my upper lip and other facial contortions. Also sense of humor.


  • Matthew McConaughey. Apparently this is what women like and who am I to argue. All the money I could save on shirts… My head will bring some painfully needed smarts to this equation. Maybe some better acting. Ability to use 5-letter and longer words. Things like that.

Matthew McConaughey

  • Lance Armstrong, but with two testicles. One could argue that he is doing pretty good with just one, but it just doesn’t feel right. I wouldn’t mind winning Tour De France once or six times and being this relentless bicycling machine. My head will provide integrity and less angry face.

Lance Armstrong

There are other problems with head transplants, like whose name the resulting person gets, if both were married, who gets to chose the wife, and many more.

So much to say and the back of the driver’s license has so little room….