A little brown button was lying on the road,
And no one had noticed it in tons of brown dust.
A bunch of bare feet was stomping on that road,
A bunch of tanned and bare feet by little button passed.
The boys walked in a crowd all from a distant village, Alyosha walked behind all and raised the most dust.
On purpose or by accident, he couldn’t tell for sure,
He stepped on little button, and stopped in place aghast.
“This button don’t look ours!” – cried out all the children.
“And weird foreign letters are written very large!”
To border patrol station they raced like wild horses
To show little button to someone who’s in charge.
“Please show me exactly,” – told them commander strictly
And opened map of border he right in front of troop.
He asked the name of village and brown dusty road
Where little boy Alyosha felt button with his foot.
Four days they wasted looking for man on every road,
Four days they looked for him, forgetting any sleep
On fifth day the had found the evil-looking stranger
And gave him very thorough search like very very deep.
They found button missing on enemy’s back pocket!
A button wasn’t present on foreign baggy pants.
And deep inside the pocket – the cartridge from revolver,
A map of Soviet border and other secret plans.
Patrolmen praised the children for bravery and courage
And then the border captain shook all of their hands
They gave the children rifle checkpoint had in storage
And little boy Alyoshka was given drum for bands.
That’s how it’s protected, the Soviet sacred border.
And no evil bastard well ever get inside! Alyoshka kept the button, because he is a hoarder.
A little brown button with praise and lots of pride!
Courtesy of my correspondents in Russia comes this article* about a recent announcement concerning Elton John’s planned concert in Krasnodar, Russia in July.
*translation mine
The Communists are suggesting to dress Sir Elton John in a Cossack costume for his performance in Krasnodar.
*** The party refuses to silently observe the outrage on the stage.
Krasnodar. May 6. Interfax-Yug – Krasnodar Regional Committee of the Party “Communist Russia” insists that the British singer-songwriter Elton John, whose performance in Krasnodar is scheduled for July, has to replace his stage costume for the duration of the tour.
Photo courtesy of the long time Elton John fan and memorabilia collector Hyperblogal
“We are prepared to tolerate the performance of Sir Elton John in Krasnodar, on the condition that he changes his provocative outfit (image) to the ceremonial dress of the Kuban CossackHost, at least for the period of his stay in Russia,” – says the petition by the Party to the law enforcement agencies of the Krasnodar Region issued on Monday.
Moreover, the representatives of the party demand that the law enforcement officers investigate the activities of the organizers of the event, who, as the statement says, “arrange the tours of “stars “of dubious reputation.”
“Some of their work contains hidden propaganda of homosexuality and promiscuity that destroys the institution of the family and has a negative impact on the psychological health of the nation,” – the statement reads.
“We can not ban them from coming here, but we do not intend to silently watch the outrage happening on stage from the sidelines.” - emphasize the authors.
The Elton John’s concert in Krasnodar is scheduled for July 14, 2013 at the “Basket-Hall.”
Show organizers have not commented on the charges by the regional branch of the party “Communist Russia.”
**I would like to assure my readers that this didn’t come from a Russian version of The Onion or some other humor site.
There is an unsung band of heroes in this world, people who walk on the edge every day of their lives, people who voluntarily place themselves in uncomfortable situations despite the dirty looks, disgusted eye-rolls and a real danger to end up on one of those registered sex offender lists. These people are fathers of girls. You haven’t known shame until you had to hang out by the door of a women’s restroom resisting peeking inside to see if your child is drowning in the toilet. You didn’t know what courage is until you had to ask a random lady to check on your kid who went in the restroom 15 minutes ago and never came out. You haven’t experienced dirty looks until you had to wait while your daughter is trying on a blouse at the dressing room of Forever XXI.
Other parents have it easy: mothers can take boys with them into the ladies’ restroom and no one will run out screaming and start calling police; I don’t even need to mention the other two situations – those are just business as usual. But unless you want to explain at length to your child why are all these men are peeing standing up, bringing a girl to the men’s bathroom is not as optimal as it might seem. Hence the nervous and uncomfortable pacing outside the restroom door, hoping that your daughter will get out alive, undamaged and hopefully with her clothes on.
And that’s just the beginning of your problems. Remember the innocent days when you thought buying feminine hygiene products was embarrassing? Soon you will navigate the tampon aisle like a pro: with the picture of what she needs on your phone you will elbow away diaper-buying old ladies and stay-at-home-moms with shopping carts full of snot-excreting children. You will finally learn the things you have successfully avoided up to this point in your life – which shirtless boys are hot, and discover the existence of beauty products besides shampoo and deodorant.
And that brings me to the misleading title of this post. If you are a straight male over 30 hanging out at Forever XXI or H&M there us nothing you can do to not look like a sex offender. Acting busy? Playing with your phone? Reading? Staring at the floor? Smiling for no reason? That’s exactly what a sex offender would be doing. There is no escaping it, this is the burden you have to carry.
Actually there is one thing you can do – just don’t go into the store. Let your child do the shopping while you are hanging out by one of those smokeless cigarette kiosks at the mall and wait for her to text you when it’s over. Then you just march straight to the cash register with the look of determination on your face, quickly pay and leave.
Because if there is one thing we know about perverts is that they are cheap. Oh, wait ….
Recently an old Soviet spy-identification aid has come to my attention. I don’t know if it’s authentic, but it looks, feels and reads as such. The surprising part is that according to this memo I would now be easily outed as a spy. Not because of quality work (god forbid!), good posture and neat clothes, but mostly due to the habit of putting my feet up and love of cocktails. If you read carefully, the text is not of the highest opinion about an average Soviet citizen – a slouchy impolite slob, with simple food tastes, who eats a lot of bread, slams his drinks and has inferior work ethic.
