Tale 1: I once knew a girl who was always cold. All I could think about was that if we would have lived together our house would always be hot and I would be sitting in it, sweaty and miserable, trying to think cool thoughts and failing. Needless to say that relationship went nowhere.

Moral of the story: Dress in layers and stop bitching about the temperature. That’s called compromise.

Tale 2: I once knew a girl who owned a stupid dog (And no it’s not you. Really). The dog would run around and jump on me in the most inappropriate times (there are no appropriate times for a dog to jump on me), and bark and do whatever else dogs do. All I could think about was that if we would have lived together this would be my  dog and it would do all these things in my  house, which already is housing a stupid cat. Then I would have two animals running around, making noises and shedding; and I would be sitting there miserable and covered in a special mix of dog and cat hair, alternating between cleaning cat puke and dog crap and hoping that the dog would eventually eat the cat and choke while doing it. Needless to say that relationship went nowhere.

Moral of the story: Pets are not for lovers.

Tale 3: I once knew a girl who said something that would  make me cringe. She liked to say that a lot, and, like a clockwork, it made me cringe every time. Like nails on the chalkboard cringe, or a stupid dog jumping on you cringe. All I could think about was that if we would have lived together that cringe would become a permanent expression on my face, and I am not an Alain Delon as it is. Then I would sit there with an even more deformed face, miserable and scared of my own reflection and hoping that either she becomes mute or I become deaf, whatever happens first. Needless to say that relationship went nowhere.

Moral of the story: Optimism.

In other news, I was voted the 3rd “Best Smokin’ Hot Kansas Citian” (tied with some poor guy who is probably really smokin’ hot, compared to me anyway) and the “Best Smokin’ Hot Kansas Citian” Male (since the first two winners are female), so all is well.