The Business of Personal


With another milestone behind me and plenty of time to waste, I thought I could turn this blog into a one-man dating site. As a matter of fact, a thought about writing personal ads for people has been stuck in my head for a while. Between my award-winning writing skills and Hyperblogal’s acclaimed photography we can rain love and marriage on many unsuspecting soon-to-be-happy couples.
Here is a sample of my work:
Before you spend any time reading this I am obligated to let you know that our relationship will probably fail. And I am being optimistic here, as indicated by me using the word “relationship”; most likely after a short date filled with awkward smiles and a few unfunny Russian jokes, you will run away in horror, making an obligatory stop at the liquor store so you can drink all the memories of the evening away (you get points for having enough liquor at home to drink yourself into a stupor).
Even if you are a gambling lady and want to try your chances, they are such that in 6 months or less I will be letting you know in some way (preferably electronic) that it’s time to move on, it’s not you, it’s me or something cliché like that.
With that in mind I don’t know why you would be reading past the last sentence, so I am going to start getting creative here.

  • If you own any self-help books or use the phrase “my therapist thinks…”, our relationship might fail.
  • If you frequently say “I just like to get to know you better”, our relationship might fail.
  • If you know the Chiefs’ season schedule by heart, our relationship might fail.
  • If you try to pronounce the name on my driver’s license, our relationship might fail.
  • If you want to know how to say xyz in Russian, our relationship might fail. Just buy a Rosetta Stone.
  • If you are sincerely religious, perform ancient rituals or take horoscopes seriously, our relationship might fail.
  • If you like long walks on the beach and live in Kansas City, our relationship might fail.
  • If you have more than 1 pet (fish excluded), our relationship might fail.
  • If you don’t eat pork (or meat in general), ever considered yourself a locavore, or are a frequent customer of the Whole Foods, we might have a problem.
  • If you have ever paid for anything that says “yes, we can”, or if you believe Obama was born in Kenya, our relationship might fail.
  • Optional: My Mom wants you to be Jewish.

But enough about you. Here is a little bit about me:

While I don’t covet, bear, commit, murder or steal; I swear, judge and don’t keep the Sabbath holy. As a matter of fact I work every Sabbath, whatever day it is, for the foreseeable future. I am not good looking, happy-go-lucky, outgoing, optimistic person. When your friends and relatives will see me, they will question your tastes, judgement and sanity, and they will be right to do so.

I have a perverted sense of humor, I call people names, I yell at other drivers and I say things that are not politically correct and will make you cringe. Extreme tolerance is not one of my virtues.

I don’t like art that needs to be explained and don’t patronize any event requiring a special attire I don’t own; that includes ties, which I have no idea how to tie. My musical tastes are stuck in the 80’s and for some reason I think I know two or three words from many songs which I use with or without a reason.

I like to eat, try and taste various foods but I am unlikely to invite you to an expensive restaurant that has any semblance of ambiance; most restaurants I enjoy are small and cheap and have foreign-sounding dishes which I usually order by pointing at the menu and grunting. On the other hand, I can cook a tolerable meal with or without beets.

I like to travel, whether it’s a tourist magnet like Chicago or NYC or such exotic destinations like Raytown, MO or Admire, KS – I am game. I don’t plan ahead, the only scheduled things in my life besides work are doctor’s appointments and my kid’s music lessons.

I don’t like to exercise; while I might be compelled to attend the gym (I have a membership already), I won’t ever be heard saying “I miss going to the gym”. I don’t smoke and drink rarely and moderately. As some Russian thinker noticed “he, who doesn’t smoke and drink will die healthy”; I am well on my way toward that goal.

I think this is plenty of information to get you started on the way to our soon-to-be-failed relationship. If you feel you need to “get to know me better” there are 900+ posts on this blog (but then our relationship might fail). And don’t forget to click on the ads; did I mention I am cheap?

*if you like this sample and want your personal profile to shine, please contact me to schedule an appointment. Reasonable pricing.

  • Blast it, Meesha! I could have made you happy, all the same

    🙁

  • I love this post! You’d be amazed at how many things we have in common. Of course, there are just as many things we DON’T have in common. I was very surprised to see that you drink rarely and moderately. We learn something new every day. Or maybe you were lying?

  • Cool post and I wish you the best of luck in your quest. Hopefully it will be more successful than the campaign in Spain involving a lance and windmills but I doubt it. Although there are 4 billion or so females of the opposite sex alive in the world today…. surely, surely there’s one for thou.

  • I travel for JOOLS

    He’s a simple man…enjoys long rides in the country with his camera and a picnic lunch which he will prepare …yummy.

    That said, he’s an intellectual, so airheads need not apply.

    And, he’s a good guy…even if rather bullheaded 🙂

  • Donna, I can’t believe you thought I was a town drunk:-). I did drink on my birthday though,but nothing I couldn’t handle.
    Leigh Ann, why did you wait all this time 🙂

  • I don’t know why X.O. continues to fight this: you two are a match made in…well, Kansas City. Perhaps he feels he wouldn’t bring much to the relationship, being as he’s not as well educated or as broadly traveled.

    But I swear, the only way you guys could be more compatible would be if you suddenly became obsessed with not wearing pants…

  • Funny take, but it’s true that being honest from the start saves everyone a lot of time.

  • That’s one of the most brutally honest “dating profiles” I’ve ever read. I’ve always thought if people were more up front about themselves to others then a lot of time wouldn’t be wasted on ridiculous dates. Good for you and good luck on your quest!

  • Melanie

    M.V. Damnit. Where were you when I was reading dating profiles years ago? So difficult to find a man who can keep up with my charming ability to curse and scream at drivers. And traveling to Raytown? My HUSBAND won’t even go there with me and it is my hometown. Love the honestly and humor here and the honesty. If I were betting, I’d give myself a week, based on Whole Foods alone. But maybe we could stay friends. *wink*

  • The Neilitist

    OK, you’ve won me over…but let’s move slow, I’ve been hurt before…start with some Pina Coladas…one question though: where do you stand on polyamory?

  • Oh, he loves plastics.

    • they are fantastic!

  • Bob

    This deserves a spot in the personals at the London Review of Books.

  • RussianBlu

    interesno.

  • san71

    I just read this.. certainly made me laugh…full of sincerity , were you really promoting yourself??? lol, how did it go?

    • Let’s say mobs of women didn’t start following me.

  • Frances Main

    Ok I am catching up on your blog and this one made me laugh out loud!!!!! Funny thing is I meet all your criteria except for the pet thing…Yes I have two cats. But my cats are cool! 😉

    • Cats are negotiable within a reasonable limit (2) 🙂

      • Frances Main

        Sweeetttt I only have 2….do kids count?? I do have three of those….except a couple are almost grown… 😉

        • Three kids!!! I have one that will be fully grown in a week and a half.

          • Frances Main

            At least you know I am not a prude…LMAO…

          • At least three times 🙂

          • Frances Main

            At least…