Lip Service

I hate fund-raising and charities. One sure-fire way to get on the ever-expanding list of people who annoy me is to roll up to my desk with some overpriced cookie dough, wrapping paper, trash bags, or some weird raffle for your kid’s  after school  activities. If you don’t know where my desk is, there are plenty of other opportunities to piss me off like facebook charity actions, radio fund drives, #twestivals, or even meeting me in person in front of WalMart.

I guess I am getting soft because I decided to join my friend Chimpotle in his fight against prostate cancer by developing a mustache-like growth on my upper lip. There are several reasons for my change of mind, none of them have anything to do with prostate cancer and charity.

  • It’s the laziest charity ever, no physical activity is needed;
  • I don’t need to buy and donate stuff;
  • I can annoy all the people who annoyed me with their fund-raising for years;
  • I can grow a mustache for the first time in my life without causing suspicion or attention from the neighborhood watch;
  • No small child will ever thank me for saving her life;
  • I might think of moreasons (get it? moreasons for movember) later.

However this campaign will be conducted with my hatred for charities in mind:

  • There will not be any begging and constant reminders here or on FB and Twitter;
  • There will be no photos of rotten prostates;
  • There will be no sob stories or guest posts or other tear-jerking BS.

Instead:

  • There will be a badge installed on the left side of this blog, in case you feel overly generous;
  • All the Google Ad income starting today and ending on the last day of November will be donated to the cause. I can’t ask you to click on the ads, but some of the clicks are worth a buck or more. You know what to do;
  • If you joined, clicked or even donated, just comment on this post to be entered into a raffle for the brand new KC Chiefs hoody shirt;
  • Another shirt will be given to the highest donor;
  • I may award a magazine subscription while I am in a good mood;

Other fund-raising methods:

  1. Kisses for cash. No one ever called me a great kisser but it’s for the charity. Mustache may never grace my face again. By appointment only. Comes with a free after-kiss mint. Price is negotiable, male surcharge of $500 is to be paid ahead of time;
  2. Dates for cash. Once in a lifetime chance to be swept up and experience my wit and weird sense of humor in person. I will also dazzle you with exciting stories from my previous life, humorous anecdotes and an ability to chew with my mouth closed. Price is negotiable, male surcharge of @200/hr is to be paid ahead of time. If you had a date with me in the past 3 years you probably wouldn’t want one anyway;
  3. Other random acts of kindness will be considered, such as home-cooked dinner, etc. No male surcharge for this, bring your own beer.

So to conclude: I will be growing a mustache in the month of November, I will not be annoying you or guilting you into giving money, there will be prizes in case there is a glimmer of kindness still alive in your heart.