“Sunset Over A Sea of Corn” would have been a title of a picture I should’ve taken but waited just long enough for the sun to finally dissolve in the eight-feet-tall waves of corn somewhere between Bowling Green and Laddonia.
Maybe I am compensating for not having a car for the first 23 years of my life and never taking a real road-trip until I was a grown man but I’ve been doing a double-duty putting some miles on my car driving around these here United States. It also helps me maintain a healthy-sized carbon footprint, adding my little share to the global warming and destroying the environment. Luckily my daughter doesn’t mind hours of driving as long as I don’t sing in the car, which is hard because the seemingly omnipresent country station is pumping out things like:
You should hear this stuff with the Russian accent, it will really “turn you on”.
Over the past weekend we added another 1,200 miles to my car’s odometer, going to Chicago and back. This time we took a different route cutting through the South-Central-Eastern Missouri and Central-Western Illinois in order to make a stop at Springfield,IL to check up on the Land Of Lincoln. Driving on the rural highways has a more intimate feel since you actually have to slow down in each little town on the way, you get to see people’s houses, rusted farm equipment, smell the manure, and pass a tractor or two on the way. Somewhere between the anti-abortion billboards, entertained by a single country radio station, another breed of American people goes on about their lives unconcerned by their standing in the social media.
We took our time driving through this area and if I actually stopped and took every photo I wanted to, we’d still be on the road. So here are a few I actually had a chance to take.
The General Store in Atlas,IL has this sign that is the most concise restaurant review I’ve ever seen: “Eat Here – Get Worms”.
Pike County Courthouse in Pittsfield,IL Lincoln’s Home in Springfield, IL.
Lincoln’s Home is just a part of a larger historic site which preserved Springfield as Lincoln would’ve experienced it, sans tourist crowds. In front of his home Lincoln Troubadours perform the period songs.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvshZW_Zfik
Next the Illinois State Capitol (compare to the Kansas State Capitol):
Chicago always has the neatest-looking sculptures. This one looks like alphabet soup on acid:
Chimpotle’s likeness scares customers away near some local bar:
Obligatory skyline shot:
I guess you can find peace and quiet even at the busiest corner in the middle of the busy city:
This could be Chicago’s mayor and his wife, or KC’s mayor and his wife (after skipping a dinner or two).
Lincoln’s body is still there, tourists disappointed by the lack of a souvenir shop wandering around the cemetery.
View of the Mississippi from Louisiana, MO.
Louisiana turned out to be a very nice small town with several streets lined with Victorian mansions overlooking the river. Some in better condition than others.
Health-care debate goes on here as well.
After watching the sunset we finally got back on I70 and the countryside disappeared in an unending strobe-lights of trucks and road construction cones. We were almost home.
Since not too many of you will ever come face-to-face with these guardians of law, you may find these photos entertaining. Pictured are reportedly the new Militia uniforms, continuing in the fine traditions of the old Soviet ugliness and institutional design. Looks like the models are the real men and women of the Russian Militia; it’s hard for anyone else to imitate the indifferent, self-important faces, with dead eyes and no sign of mental activity.
For today’s musical number I present the song “We Are The Moscow Militia”: We have one tradition we can’t forget – We are the people’s Militia, people are our friends.
Care and safety of women during camping trips is an important subject that’s often overlooked. If your woman looks good, other men will try to steal her away from you. She may also use the outdoors, your relaxed state and heavy alcohol intake to escape. There are multiple other dangers lurking in the seemingly peaceful wooded and lake areas. To avoid potential pitfalls it’s best to tie your woman to a heavy unmovable object such as a tree or a post:
The type of the knot you use is very important: some women are crafty and will untie an easy knot before you know it. Remember your boyscout years; here is some detail from the photo above:
If you have a young child, place him on a tree with the rifle in clear view of your woman as an extra precaution:
After your woman is secured you can finally proceed to do what camping is really all about: getting drunk, ogling other untied women and trying not to lose your brand new boat.
This safety tip was brought to you by:
Truck Antlers: Don’t Be A Schmuck, Turn You Truck Into A Buck!
Additional financing by: Giant Fish-Looking Mailboxes: Who Is A Pussy Now? I Am Talking To You, You God Damn Mailman Son-Of-A-Bitch!
